5.5 year old toileting issues

5.5 year old toileting issues

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Hi everyone. I really need some help. My husband and I are running out of options fast and at our wits end with our daughter and her toileting issues. 

A bit of background info: 
Our daughter was a Prem with IUGR and was hospitalised for 6 weeks from birth. Had continuous reflux issues until finally fully changed over to solids at 2yrs old. Has had an aversion to dairy since then. Was forcefully toilet trained at a daycare center which bought on a fear of using one. When her brother was born at 3yrs old she wasn't toilet trained. Not even interested. She then went to a small family daycare where she finally got the idea but was still no where near fully trained. She had always had dry nappies at night until recently. She has started prep as she was intellectually ready and willing. While her teacher and teacher aides are absolutely amazing at helping her she is still having regularly daytime wetting and has started night time wetting too. She was recently diagnosed with a compacted bowel and was treated successfully for that. However she is was never doing bowel movements in the toilet.

We have tried charts, rewards, making her clean it up herself, various diets, withholding water close to bed time, different toilet aids, being angry, being sympathetic, being proud of small triumphs. Nothing is helping. She is still afraid of the toilets in public and at others houses. She won't go to the toilet at school with anyone but her favourite teacher aide or myself. We have a regular routine of trying to go, and she usually will, but still has accidents. 

I have approached my GP, we have had ultrasounds done to check voiding (all fine). We have tried putting her in fancy undies she doesn't want to soil, as well as tried pull up nappies at night. She simply holds all of it all day, begs to get ready for bed early, and soils the pull up immediately. 

She has no interest in improving. We know she will be picked on at school and I know from personal experience how ruthless and cruel kids can be. 

Please. I have PTSD from our children's births and PND. My husband has a short fuse when it comes to protecting his kids and he doesn't want to be that parent that goes into the school firing on all cylinders. We need help. Any advice would be really appreciated. Even your own stories that have not yet been solved may help us with some ideas that may work for her. 
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Hi Mayinki,
I remember my daughter (now 21) sitting on my knee without a nappy on when she was three and doing a huge wee all over me, with no recognition that she was doing it. She wore night time pull ups until she reached puberty at about 12 years old. My friends daughter wet her pants at school for years up until about the same age i think. She got a lot of bladder infections from holding on. Its very common for kids to not have a trigger when they need to go. 

Personally , I think the more focus on it, the more stressed the whole family will become. I say this with great respect - focusing on your own fears around this situation, I do believe will help your daughter. There's no right or wrong time for any child. They all develop when they develop. There's a lot of growth to be had when we look at our own fears, regrets, guilt etc. That doesn't mean obsessing about the negatives, just gently noticing and being aware of when you're blaming yourself and beating yourself up. 

My advice? STOP focusing on any imagined mistakes from the past. The past is gone. Stop talking about it with your daughter and trying to 'fix' it. Everyone exhale. She's alive and its not the end of the world. Focus on taking care of the practical aspects. eg pull ups in the school bag so the teachers aid can change her when appropriate, pull ups at night. And take care of the emotional aspects in yourselves until the 'charge' has gone. A good idea is to look at your past and see if there was a time when you were humiliated in some way. I know I wet myself at school when I was about 8 and I was mortified! Time line therapy will take the emotional charge out of any of your past traumas. Remember it's never the issue at hand that's freaking us out. It's always something from our past. What a wonderful gift your daughter has given you. Give the gift of acceptance for what is to her. There'll be a solution that will present itself when she feels like she doesn't need to 'hang on' anymore. 


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