Mr 14 years is wagging and lying to us


Mr 14 years is wagging and lying to us

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1saddad
1saddad
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We have a 14 year old son who is always wagging school, lying, stealing, and just generally not trying at school. He is a smart kid and I frustrates me so much I just don't know what to do. I have tried reasoning with him, paying him to go to class, yelling at him to the point I broke down and cried in front of him but he just doesn't seem to care. I don't want to give up on him because I know what that is like and a fear he will end up like me dropped out of school with a **** job how do I fix this anyone please?
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23/05/2014 by 1saddad
True North Will
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Hi there,

I work as a therapist with teenagers going through similar things and run outdoor programs for them as well through True North Expeditions. Has he been to a psychologist or counsellor recently?



I often try to find people that can build significant relationships with children like yours as those significant relationships are great predictors for positive change. If you would like to chat privately feel free to message me or email through will@truenorthexpeditions.com.au



Will

Will Dobud

Clinical Social Worker

True North Expeditions, Inc.

0477161768

will@truenorthexpeditions.com.au

www.truenorthexpeditions.com.au
Alltogether
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Hi 1saddad,



First of all I'll repeat a bit of advice that was told to me when my son was 14yrs old, and I think was instrumental in us all keeping our sanity! "14yr old boys are the sh*t of the earth, but they do come out of it". Yep. Describes them well hey? This was told to me with all due respect from the school psych and year co-ordinator. They also told me to remember when they were toddlers and there were some tantrums/behaviour that you just had to 'step over'. They said that 14yr old boys are like toddlers and sometimes, even though they might be being rude or argumentative, you just have to 'step over them'.



That helped me for the general awful behaviour, but of course it doesn't help with the specific stuff like wagging and lying etc.



We have another boy who is 14yrs old now and doing similar to yours. Every time we catch him, he says, "I know now, I won't do it again". But next time it's something else. We're questioning him on his values at the moment and where his line is. Where is the line that he won't cross, because he doesn't seem to know.



At the moment he's in the middle of a grounding and electronic device blackout.



I agree with getting some older, but not dad-old, good influences around him if you can. Youth groups can be handy for that if he's open to it.



We're making our current 14yr old do some work with a psych as well as some homework on boundaries etc, in order to work his way to getting his phone etc back.



Oh, and I'd also highly recommend always having your kids' passwords. It's generally YOUR equipment, not theirs anyway. (ie: you paid/pay for it) Just tell them, don't give me any reason to look and I won't.

HeronBird
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Hi - I really do know what you are talking about as one of my sons went really off the rails at age 15 - he ran away from home, couch surfed, wagged school and did a lot of drugs. I would recommend anybody in your situation to try getting support from an organisation called Tough Love (http://www.toughlove.org.au/). It is a parent support group which meets weekly and helps you to implement small changes week by week. My son is 20 now and with the help of Tough Love, we have developed a loving and respectful relationship. Also he has set himself some goals and is achieving them.



Good luck with everything - you are certainly not alone although it may feel that way at the moment.
biconcepts
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It really is tough. But I know I was one of those kids myself, and two things helped me. First, my parents stayed strong and were always there for me, and never changed their love and support for me, even when I was 'off the rails' at times. Eventually, the eyes open and when everything else falls apart, the parents are the support that never fades. That doesn't mean that parents enable bad behavior, but they are consistent with their words and standards. Life has a way of breaking a person when they don't obey the rules. And eventually they learn what works and what doesn't- the parent has to be recognized as the wise and loving one to see where they are at, and just the next step the child needs to stay on the road to fulfilling their potential. Second, (and very important) my parents weren't perfect, (and I knew that) but they prayed for me. I believe that helped open my eyes to see the disaster road me and my friends were on, and strengthened me to make some better choices.



Hope that helps- Mike

Mike Hayes



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Continue to support him, but there need to be consequences for bad behavior and lying. Take everything away and no going any place for a while. Let him earn back his things that are taken away with good behavior and better grades.
Nancy0115
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One thing I’ve found helpful is to have a conversation with my son as though I’m a consultant. The way I do this is to ask what he wants and why, then outline clear expectations on how to get there. 

For example, he wanted to buy a car and we sat down and came up with a plan.  I asked him what he would need and so we priced a car at about $5,000, then he came up with different ideas for jobs, and then we discussed how to get started.  I didn’t tell him what to do, I just helped guide him and talk through ideas.

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11/08/2017 by Moderator
Mason
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I think the job of most 14yo's is trying to make their parents believe they do not care what their parents think about them.

I'm 18 now, but I remember being 14 and trying to get away from my parents and feeling like they wanted to force their will on me, I now know that couldn't have been further from the truth. At 13 my dad started taking me away for trips on weekends a couple of times a month, just him and I, at first I just wanted to get away from him but after a few trips I grew a lot closer to him.
The trips were sometimes camping, mountain biking, fishing or even going to Melbourne or something. As time went on it became harder to hide what I was feeling/thinking from him. I'm not sure this would work for everyone but it worked for me.

che_32
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Mason - 11/08/2017
I think the job of most 14yo's is trying to make their parents believe they do not care what their parents think about them.

I'm 18 now, but I remember being 14 and trying to get away from my parents and feeling like they wanted to force their will on me, I now know that couldn't have been further from the truth. At 13 my dad started taking me away for trips on weekends a couple of times a month, just him and I, at first I just wanted to get away from him but after a few trips I grew a lot closer to him.
The trips were sometimes camping, mountain biking, fishing or even going to Melbourne or something. As time went on it became harder to hide what I was feeling/thinking from him. I'm not sure this would work for everyone but it worked for me.

This usually works on most teenagers. It's good to know that you now understand things. Smile We do get a chance to understand stuff as we grow older, right? Smile

For parents, it does work wonders if you spend quality time with your children. Oftentimes, what your kid needs is just your time (i.e. bonding time, traveling together, and any activity that can get you closer to each other). 
GO


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