Raising Children Network: the Australian parenting website
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Fathers: your relationship with your partner

By Ngala, Hey Dad WA
 
 

After their baby is born, couples may experience changes in their relationship, including new closeness, increased stresses, reduced sexual contact, altered work roles and increased involvement from the extended family. If you are finding these changes difficult, the most positive way to address them is by talking to your partner.

Newborn held close by mother
 

Increased stress

Many couples experience relationship changes after the birth of a baby. In the days after the birth, when they are excited about the baby, couples often talk about feeling closer.

 After a period of time, usually about a month, couples often report an increase in arguments and stress. This can be for many reasons including interrupted sleep and the increase in household chores that can’t be postponed. Each partner can also feel they are the one making all the concessions because of the changes that they have experienced.

You can deal with this increased stress in different ways. Some new fathers deal with it by getting home from work later and later in order to avoid the arguments. This will not resolve the issues, and in fact could make them worse. A more positive step is to talk with your wife or partner about how you can both manage these changes.

Postnatal stress and depression

Postnatal stress and depression affects both new mothers and new fathers.

If you are concerned that you or your partner may be dealing with depression, it is very important to seek professional support quickly for the benefit of yourself, your partner and your baby. If concerned contact your Child Health Nurse or your GP.

Your sexual relationship

After the birth of their babies, many men talk about changes in their sexual relationship. This often means their desire to re-establish closeness, both physical and emotional. For some, the need to do so arises because of the birth experience, breastfeeding and other issues such as:

  • physical changes
  • change in the way couples view their sexuality, which might be different for each partner
  • some women’s feelings of being 'all touched out'
  • the confusion between the use of breasts for nutrition and their use in sexual intimacy
  • Postnatal Depression (PND) – research has shown that there is a significant decrease in sexual interest when a person is depressed and/or using medication.

Many couples report that these are difficult issues to discuss. It can help to use a counsellor to provide a neutral and safe place for these discussions.

Work roles

It is very important for couples to discuss their roles within and outside the home. For example, if a father wants to be closely involved with his children, it isn’t healthy for him to work a 50-hour week. Similarly, it’s not healthy for a mother to be at home full time if her work is important to her and she gets unhappy at home.

Research has shown that it does not matter who takes on what roles as long as each person is happy with their roles. It is useful for couples to discuss what they want to take on and come to some agreement.

Extended families

Extended family on both sides can be very supportive but sometimes they can be intrusive. This is often a delicate issue at the time of a new baby because each partner may like to have the support of his or her own family. It is useful to discuss and negotiate this issue as a couple, so that extended family involvement can be managed in a way that is sensitive to the needs of everyone.