Connecting with your school-age child

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Now that your child is at school, she is immersed in a world of learning and making friends. This also includes trying to understand the rules of life, morals, manners and family values.

Even with all these new influences, during the early years of school your home life and family relationships are still the biggest influence on your child’s development. The intensity of your relationship may change because you’re spending less time together, but your job as a parent is just as important as ever.

Your baby is now scuttling off to a world of grazed knees, tearful misunderstandings and fascinated learning. And when the blood starts flowing, friends don’t invite her to birthday parties and help is needed with homework, you'll be the first person she’ll call on. Your rewards: being 'taught' interesting facts-of-the-day, plenty of original artwork and realising that 'good' is the most popular answer to the question you will ask every day for the next 13 years: 'How was school?'

Social skills

When children start school they are entering the wider social world. For the first time they have to think about finding their own place in the world and feeling part of a social group. Although you’re not there when your child is at school, there is still a lot you can do to help her develop social skills.

You can encourage your school-age child to develop social skills in the following ways:

• Help her make friends. Encourage your child to play with other children outside of school hours, have sleepovers and help her join clubs and groups.
  
• Give suggestions and tips on ways to handle different situations at school and with friends. For instance: ‘Maybe if you shared your new toy it might help’ or ‘Smiling makes people feel comfortable, so it helps if you smile when you first meet people’.
  
• Help your child to develop empathy and understand different points of view. This will help her to deal with conflict when it occurs. Describing your feelings and hers throughout the day, and having conversations about how other people might feel, can all help build empathy.
  
• Help your child to develop conversation skills, such as asking questions and listening to other children.
  
• Provide clothing that will help her fit in (unless your little individual already insists on wearing  distinctive clothes, such as only black or only things with butterflies). At this age, most children don’t want to feel like they are different or stand out.
  
• Talk with your child about behaviours such as teasing, bullying or self-centredness that may get in the way of making friends. This doesn’t mean training your child not to say the things that make her unique, but helping her understand what sort of comments could upset others or lead to teasing.

I want to be like …

Encouraging your child to find other people she admires (role models) helps her to work out what sort of person she wants to be. At school, the most important role model in a child’s life is the teacher. When you consider that around 95% of everything a child learns comes from watching what other people do (rather than listening to what they say), the 5-6 hours a day spent with a teacher really affects how they develop. Teachers have a huge influence on a child’s thinking, attitudes, behaviour and their views towards school.

Children also benefit from exposure to large networks of adults who have the child’s best interests at heart. These may include grandparents, relatives, neighbours and family friends.

As a parent you can help your child find adult role models by:

• encouraging relationships between your child and other adults. At this age, children usually identify best with the same sex. These people can show your children how you’d like them to behave now and in the future and encourage them to develop interests.
  
• encouraging your child to have holidays and visit friends away from the family (as long as she feels comfortable and safe).

If you have any concerns about your child's relationship with her teacher, you might like to discuss these concerns with the teacher or the school principal.

Understanding rules

During the first few years of primary school, children become quite preoccupied with learning rules. Games with rules become important. These help children to understand morals: what is ‘right’ and ‘wrong’.

To help your child to understand rules and values:

• Explain why things are considered right and wrong and why some behaviour is not tolerated at all in society.
• Encourage a sense of compassion and empathy by saying things like, ‘Imagine if you were that person right now’.
• Play games with rules which include elements of both chance and skill. Allow your child to win most of the time, even when you are itching to win. Losing every now and again will help your child learn to deal with disappointment.
• Discuss family values with your child.

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