Calling out and getting out of bed

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Calling out and getting up are just two of the delaying tactics that can turn bedtime into a real battlefield. Here's what to do if your older toddler or preschooler's habit of stalling is causing conflict and making nights unpleasant.

What causes delaying tactics?

If bedtime struggles suddenly appear following a significant change or loss in your child’s life, then it may be a sign your child is experiencing some stress or anxiety. In this instance, you also need to work on relieving the stress in her life if you can. Spending a little more time with your child before lights out and the use of positive pre-bed routines will also help. You may also wish to discuss the issue with a health professional before implementing a new bedtime plan. Similarly, it may be helpful to speak to a professional if your child is experiencing a high level of anxiety or fear about night-time or separating from you.

Set up a bedtime routine

This is the most important part of any effort to help young children go to bed and settle. Doing the same things each night before bed will help prepare your child for sleep. Loud or boisterous play before bedtime will make it harder for her to settle.

When you start your bedtime routine is important. If your child is taking a long time to fall asleep, you may be putting her to bed too early. Try making bedtime later so that she is sleepier when you put her to bed. This way you maximise your chance of success in helping your child settle for sleep. If this new time is too late, bring it forward 5-10 minutes each week until you get to your child’s ideal bedtime.

Do a quick check before you say goodnight

Before turning out the light, check that your child has done all the things she might call out about later. Has she had a drink? Been to the toilet? Brushed her teeth?

Turn on a night-light if this makes your child feel more comfortable.

Remind her of what you expect

Tell her before you leave her room that you want her to stay quietly in bed until she falls asleep. Explain that you will not be answering if she calls out. Say ‘Goodnight’ or ‘I love you, sleep tight’ (or whatever you usually say when she goes to bed) and walk out.

If your child calls out

As hard as this may be, do not respond. Ignore all further requests. Your child may come up with all sorts of reasons you should come to her, but if you want this technique to work you’ll have to stay firm and ignore the calling out. That means no extra drink of water, no extra bedtime story, no extra kiss and no straightening her blankets if she has got herself untucked. Don’t go to her at all.

If you respond because your child gets louder or more demanding, she’ll learn that protesting long enough and loudly enough will get your attention. In future, she’ll be more likely to keep protesting until you come.

If your child gets out of bed

There are two strategies that can work. Choose the strategy you feel suits you and your child the best, and stick with it.

Strategy 1: Return your child to bed

1. Say once, ‘Dominique, do not come out again. Please stay in your bed,’ and return her immediately to bed without further discussion or argument.
2. Return her gently and calmly to bed, without talking, making eye contact or reprimanding her in any way. Do this as many times as it takes until she stays there. 
3. It may take many returns before she stays in bed. If you use this option, you’ll have to be very patient. This may not be the best option for you if returning your child to bed is likely to make you very angry or upset.

Strategy 2: Restrict your child to her bedroom

1. Say once, ‘Dominique, do not come out again. Please stay in your bed’. Return her immediately to bed without further discussion or argument.
2. If she comes out of bed again, say, ‘Dominique, you have not stayed in bed, so now I will close the door (or the gate). I will open it again when you are staying in bed’. Return her to bed, and shut the door.
3. Ignore any further calling out.

There are a number of ways you can keep your child in her room:

• Erect a child gate; she will still be able to get out of bed, but won’t be able to come out of her room.
• Close the door until your child is back in bed and stays there (if your child can open the door, you could consider holding the door shut until she stops trying to get out; the advantage of holding the door is that you are still nearby to ensure her safety).

If you are concerned that your child might be afraid of the dark, install a night-light.

Restricting a child to her room can be a better option if tempers are likely to be frayed and there is a risk that you might lash out at your child through frustration and anger. However, this may not be your preferred option if you are uncomfortable with closing the door.

You need to stay firm for either of these strategies to work. If you give your child what she wants after repeatedly leaving her room or protesting loudly you are simply teaching her to be more persistent.

What if your child vomits?

Sometimes children will cry to the point of vomiting. If she vomits, come in and clean her up with minimal attention and fuss. Reprimanding or punishing won’t help. Best to try not to talk much at all, avoid eye contact and do not kiss or cuddle her. As soon as she is clean and back in bed, say goodnight and walk out again.

Praise your child if she was quiet

If your child goes to sleep without calling out, make a point of praising or rewarding her the next morning for staying quietly in bed. You might consider celebrating with a special breakfast surprise or a phone call to a special person. If your child is three or older, she might benefit from and enjoy a star chart.

Don’t mention it if there was calling out

Try to start the next day in a positive way even if there was calling out the night before. You won’t change your child’s behaviour by talking about the problem at this point.

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