Raising Children Network: the Australian parenting website
  • Suitable for 1-8Years

Attending

By Raising Children Network
 
 

The secret to encouraging good behaviour is to give children lots of positive attention when they’re behaving well. That’s where attending skills come in.

 

What is attending?

Attending means really tuning in to whatever your child is saying and doing, and using eye contact and open body language to let her know that you’re paying attention.

Along with active listening and descriptive praise, attending is a way for parents and carers to strengthen their relationships with children.

Even on the busiest of days, there are lots of opportunities to quickly tune in to what your child is doing and saying, increasing your child’s confidence and strengthening your relationship at the same time.

How attending works

Tuning into your child shows her that she’s important and that what she cares about is important. That builds her confidence, and makes her receptive to exploring new ideas and interests.

Attending also shows children that good behaviour attracts positive interest and attention. This makes for more smiles on all sides. Your child hates upsetting you, and feels happier when she can see that you are happy. You, of course, will feel happier about any extra time you can just enjoy together rather than having to manage difficult behaviour. Once you start, you may be surprised by how often your child already behaves well.

The five steps to attending

  • Follow your child’s lead – let her choose the game or activity.
  • Take your time.
  • Get close to your child – sit or crouch down with her.
  • Watch your child to see what she can do.
  • Describe what she is doing, without asking questions.

Follow your child’s lead. Some really important things happen if you let your child choose the game or activity whenever possible and whenever safe. Your child will discover how much you value her company and will gain confidence that her interests are important. She also learns that you are right behind her when she explores the world.

Take your time. If you can slow down the feeling that you need to be doing, doing, doing for a moment, you’ll catch all sorts of funny and lovely moments with your child. You also show her that she’s valued if you indulge her fascination with items that don't seem to be very important – like petals on a flower, ants crisscrossing the pavement, sauce bottles at the supermarket – rather than rushing her on to the next activity.

Get close. You can sit on the floor, kneel in the grass, or squat beside your child’s chair. Face your child, move to her side rather than turning from across the room, look in her eyes, uncross your arms, and smile, smile, smile. All of these show your child that she is great company and that you are deeply interested in what she is doing. They also build confidence and trust.

Watch your child. If you take your cue from what your child says and does, you’ll see new skills and areas of interest as they emerge. These new interests provide golden opportunities to build your child’s confidence and help her explore the world.

Comment on what your child is doing. Talk about what she is doing: ‘I see you like the red truck’ or ‘That’s an interesting bug you’re looking at’.  Describing what your child is doing shows you are paying attention and are interested. There's no need to ask questions. This is your child’s time, and you build the relationship and her trust and confidence simply by giving attention. Answer questions if your child has any, but you don’t need to ask any questions or provide any guidance. Just be there taking notice of and appreciating what she is doing.

Some tips for attending

Bite-sized moments work. Research shows that tuning in even for a minute or two works if you do so frequently, rather than occasionally. Attending is easy even when you are busy.

You can do it anywhere. There are countless opportunities throughout the day to tune in to what your child is doing and saying: at the supermarket, when you’re eating, doing the dishes or walking to school, and on the bus. Anywhere, whatever you’re doing together.

Look through your child’s eyes. Trying to see the world through your child’s eyes helps you to understand her feelings, which can also lessen misunderstandings about behaviour. You might see that what seems like misbehaviour to you is just part of how the world looks to your child!

 
 
 
  • Last reviewed16-05-2006
  • Acknowledgements

    Adapted from NSW Department of Community Services (2003). Families – Building relationships: parenting preschoolers [Videotape].